“You are really hard on yourself” she said to me with a quite shocked expression on her face when we were lying on the beach yesterday.
Within seconds I went from resistance to disbelief over to justification, but instead of getting into any of it, I just let her words sink in.
My eyes filled with tears when I finally allowed myself to see she was right. I had not even realized the subtle battles within me, that had been going on for months.
My love life is full of stories with men not willing to commit. At some point I got tired of the shallowness and I decided to rather have no love life at all, than investing my energy in encounters, obviously doomed to fail.
And then I met someone. Out of the blue I felt this strong attraction towards him, without knowing anything about him. We got to know each other and spent one of the most beautiful times of my life together, watching sunsets, swinging in a hammock singing together, meditating, doing yoga, having sex, long conversations, moments of stillness, just being who we were and loving each other for exactly that.
He told me about his life and its circumstances, saying (just in other words), that he was at no place whatsoever to commit. I didn’t hear or understand any of that at the time. All I heard was “Blabla.. bla.. blablabla.. I love you.”
My heart shattered into pieces once more, when he told me that he was going to go. I knew that eventually we’d go separate ways again, and yet, I had hoped for a miracle that didn’t happen.
I kept thinking about what it was that I only seemed to attract men, who are not willing to commit. I wanted to understand and dispel my patterns and beliefs behind it, to make sure it won’t happen again…
But I have decided to cut the crap!
I will no longer look for things to fix inside of me, that I consider as “wrong”.
To who I am and to life as it is. I will gratefully take the gifts life is giving me, instead of cursing it, when I want more than it has to offer, or when I try to hold on to what is not meant for me.
Thanks to the conversation with Moksha, I finally realized, that I had tried to shut down my sexual energy.
This energy goes way beyond sexuality on a physical level. It is the force that creates life and aliveness, and I believe it’s also the power that connects all human beings, all life.
It actually is a big part of myself that makes me feel alive and nurtures my soul. This force is my nature that I was fighting against for the past 6 months and I hadn’t even noticed it. Yes, I had felt disconnected from the world, from myself. I often felt empty and I can’t remember the last time I had cried of laughter.
When I come to think about it now, “You are really hard on yourself”, seems like an understatement…
There is nothing we can do to be happy, to be connected, to feel love or joy. There are only things we need to stop doing. If we stop the millions of wars inside of us, peace will set in by itself.